The Life I Will Never Have Again
by spuds1997
Summary: This is Victoria's Point of view. How she felt when James died. What she thought. Her reasoning for all she did. Please read and review! Oneshot!


**This is Victoria's POV. It's almost like a diary. How she felt when James died. What she thought. I hope you enjoy. ONESHOT!**

The pain I felt was almost unbearable when I found out the Cullins killed my dear mate. James. My world came crashing down around me. I was thrown into a black hole and I couldn't find my way out. I just kept sinking letting it take me down. Deeper, deeper, deeper down I went. Until finally surrounded by blackness my monster overcame me. My mate. My soul. My heart. My whole reason for existence was gone. Killed. And by who? _Edward Cullin._ I know my James had no business trying to kill Edwards mate but I was bound and determined to finish what he started. Not only could I do what my mate died trying to do. I could make his killer suffer the same as me. I felt so much pain that if I was human I could die from the depression. I had no reason to live now. I had nothing to live for. Sure I had Laurent but he had his mate and although they weren't on the same diet he still loved her all the same. He traveled with me some but visited her frequently. As soon as I finished off the human I would go to the Volturi and ask for death. I knew Laurent wouldn't help me with that. And he was my only friend in this vampire world. Even his mate, Irina, hated me.

Laurent indeed enjoyed my plan and went to go see if she was unprotected. It should have only taken him days not weeks. When I found out my best friend was dead. I plunged farther into that darkness then I ever thought possible. I was alone. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to help me with my problems and at least try to help me out of this darkness. So, I let it overcome me even more. I let myself fall. I let my monster overcome me so much I only felt the need to do one thing. And what's that? Kill Isabella Swan. I did myself a little victory dance when I found out she was unprotected. That the Cullins had left her. Then I ran into to those damn dogs. Of course she always had to live in the supernatural world. I was in my own darkness but when I saw her jump of the cliff my motivation changed.

I no longer wanted to kill her. I still wanted to kill Edward, though, But I almost wanted to _help_ her. She was also left by her mate. It was almost worse for her, in a way. My mate died had no choice whether to be with me or not. Hers _left. _Told her he didn't want her. She was plunging down in her own darkness. I just had to fill my thirst to move on. She had school, her job, her father, and the supernatural world to deal with in her depression. She had so many things already going on. She lost her family, carry's her own responsibilities, and now has to worry about the crazy mate-less vampire coming after her. It wasn't her fault James wanted her. Or that her family left her.

I could finally think clearly. It just took the girl to jump off a cliff to help me. Knowing how bad she had it helped kill the monster and start my climb out of the darkness. I know I would never fully get out of this black hole that sucked me under so deep but maybe I could have my head poked out so I could see the light. Who would have thought this little human girl could help me this much but not even knowing I was there. I wanted to torture and kill Edward twice as bad though for what he had done to her. I may not be the nicest vampire. But being in my own darkness and seeing her in her own darkness brought my monster back. This time it was directed at Edward, though. We were both innocent in this situation. But both hurt by the same guy. Just in different ways. They know what it means to take someone's mate away. They also knew that if I told James not to kill this human he would have listened. Yes, he was a tracker and when he sat his mind to something it was hard to get it off of it. But I was his mate and vampires always listen to there mates.

The Cullins had screwed up in many ways. My respect for them was now gone. It disappeared as quickly as it came. I would always have a little respect in their diet but it would never go farther than that. Obviously, a little bit of danger for them made their brains not work the right way.

During the battle with the newborns. I was fighting to kill Edward for what he done to her. When I overheard she could be happy with that wolf I was overjoyed. She could have a human life with someone she loved. Get married, have kids, and keep her family. I always wanted that. I didn't hae immortality but I didn't get the best part of the human life, family. My family when I was human never much liked the ugly red-headed child I was. They were all about beauty. Now I am gorgeous. But when I was human gorgeous was far-fetched. I hated the feeling of alone. When James was killed it brought back that feeling and I hated it.

I was about to kill him when she cut herself. It threw me off guard. I am content now. No longer alive. I have no more pain or suffering. I kill no more humans. Take no more lives. I am happy. I will never have the life I wanted as I human. I will never have my happy immortal life with James, again. But I almost didn't want it now. All I wanted now was for Bella to be happy. If she didn't want the first life I wanted maybe she could love the second. I did. My time is over know but it will never be forgotten. And maybe one day the mind reader will tell her what I was really doing. That I am not as black hearted as she thinks I was. But until then I hope she is happy with her life. The life I will never have again…

**So what did you think? Review, Review, Review! **


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